Self-compassion: how being kinder to yourself can help you feel better
You missed your walk again. You had the second slice of cake. You snapped at someone you love, then lay awake replaying it. And somewhere in your head, a voice starts up: you're hopeless, you never stick to anything, what's wrong with you?
You'd probably never speak to a friend like that. Yet it's often how we speak to ourselves.
This week, new Australian research put a spotlight on a gentler approach. Here is what self-compassion is, what the study found, a few simple ways to practise it, and why it matters when you start paying attention to your own health with a tracker like the Thrive Health Band.
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion means responding to yourself the way you would respond to a good friend who is having a hard time. Psychologist Kristin Neff, who has researched the idea for many years, describes three parts:
- Self-kindness. Being warm and understanding with yourself when things go wrong, rather than harshly critical.
- Common humanity. Remembering that struggling, making mistakes and feeling imperfect are part of being human. You aren't the only one.
- Mindfulness. Noticing difficult thoughts and feelings as they are, without pushing them away or getting swept up in them.
Self-compassion isn't the same as letting yourself off the hook or giving up on goals. It's about how you respond when you fall short, so you can pick yourself up and try again.
What did the new Australian study find?
On 19 October, La Trobe University shared the results of a randomised trial published in the journal Mindfulness. It involved 227 Australian adults aged 18 to 39. One group did 20 minutes a day of online self-compassion meditation for three weeks, while the other group waited.
The meditations encouraged mindfulness, self-kindness and common humanity. They didn't include any prompts about appearance. Even so, the people who took part reported more body appreciation, better positive wellbeing and less self-judgement, and the benefits were still there six weeks after the programme ended.
Lead researcher Dr Joshua Marmara said that simply encouraging people to respond to themselves with more kindness and understanding could improve how they feel about their bodies. The researchers note that more work is needed in more diverse groups and over longer periods.
Simple ways to practise self-compassion
You don't need a retreat or an hour a day. Small, regular moments add up.
- Notice the voice. When you catch yourself being harsh, pause and name it: "that's my inner critic again."
- Ask what you'd say to a friend. Then try saying something similar to yourself, even if it feels awkward at first.
- Use a kind phrase. Something simple like "this is hard right now, and that's okay" can soften a tough moment.
- Breathe first. A minute of slow breathing can give you enough space to respond rather than react. Our guide to box breathing has a simple pattern.
- Try a short meditation. The La Trobe programme used guided sessions; there are many free self-compassion meditations online.
- Look for small wins. At the end of the day, think of three small things that went okay.
- Get outside and connect. A walk in daylight or a chat with someone you trust can shift a heavy day. See walking for mental health.
Self-compassion and your health data
Paying attention to your health can bring up the same inner critic. A short night, a low day or a skipped workout can start to feel like a mark against you. That's not what your data is for.
Thrive was built around the idea of knowing your normal, not chasing a perfect number. The Band has no screen, so there's nothing on your wrist asking for attention, and the Thrive by Optihealth app brings it all together.
- Today's Vitality. A daily view built from Sleep & Recovery, Heart & Nervous System, Today's Load and Mind & Mood, compared with your own recent history. In Thrive's words, it's not a grade, and a lower score is not a judgement: it's information.
- Check-ins. Log your mood, energy and stress, and tag what's going on, like work stress or a low stress day. Over a few weeks, Patterns can show what tends to go with your better days.
- Experiments. Try Reflection and gratitude, which asks you to end each day with five minutes of reflection and three small wins, or Daylight and connection, with morning daylight and one meaningful social check-in each day. Each runs for seven days, so you can see what shifts in your mood and stress.
- Guided Breathing and Sound Sessions. Follow a 4-7-8 or box breathing guide, or try a Sound Session when you need a few minutes to yourself.
- Ask Thrive. Try "What tends to go with my better days?" or "How has my mood changed this month?"
Thrive also learns what is usual for you across nine areas of your health, from what the Band measures and what you log, and keeps track right across your health, including heart, HRV, sleep, temperature, activity, gut health, nutrition, blood tests, medications and supplements and your medical history.
If you'd like support, Thrive Loops lets you share selected information with a participating trainer, health professional or someone you trust. You decide what to share and with whom, and you can change or revoke access at any time.
When to talk to your GP
Self-compassion is a helpful everyday skill, but it isn't a substitute for support when you need it. If you've felt low, anxious or very self-critical for more than a couple of weeks, or it's getting in the way of work, sleep or relationships, talk to your GP. You can also call Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636, or Lifeline on 13 11 14 any time. Thrive isn't a diagnosis, but Ask Thrive can help you get ready by lining up a few weeks of your mood, sleep and energy, and you can show your Thrive trends to your GP. Here is how to use Ask Thrive before a GP appointment.
Before you buy
Thrive Health Band: A$589 for the first year (Band plus 12 months of the Thrive plan), paid upfront.
Free Australia-wide shipping (usually A$14.99). No automatic renewal.
At renewal: a new band plus 12 more months for A$589.
Or keep your band and renew the plan for A$240 a year.
Or A$29 a month with no lock-in.
One size, IP68, up to 14 days battery, 12-month warranty, not a medical device, no Apple Health sync. The app is Thrive by Optihealth on iPhone and Android.
See today's price and buy at thrivehealthband.com/get.
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Common questions
What is self-compassion?
It means responding to yourself with the warmth and understanding you'd offer a good friend when things go wrong. It includes self-kindness, remembering that everyone struggles, and noticing difficult feelings without being swept up in them.
Is self-compassion the same as being easy on yourself?
No. It's about how you respond when you fall short. Being kind to yourself can make it easier to learn from a setback and keep going.
Can Thrive help me be kinder about my health?
Thrive compares you with your own normal, not anyone else's, and its daily view is information rather than a grade. Check-ins and Patterns help you notice what goes with your better days.
For more answers, see Questions.